I LOVE this. What I wouldn’t give for a 1969 Econoline Van. Oh, no it’s going to go on my list of things I want that I will never get (or even try to get) like a 1972 Chevy El Camino, or a 1969 Chevy Malibu softtop (a car I actually owned believe it or not and got FOR FREE).
We were very poor when I was a child and God bless my mother but she went to TOWN on Christmas. Not with food, not so much with presents, but with Christmas decorations. It was like an obsession. Our house was amazing. She also had a terrible childhood. I think her idea of making childhood not terrible was to make things look a certain way. I love her for that. It just gets me every time I think about how hard she tried. She was also the chain smoking (and excessive alcohol imbibing) kind of mother but her heart is very good and pure.
But, for various reasons, I have horrible memories of Christmas. “You ruined Christmas!” LOL, every Christmas something terrible would happen. Ha ha ha! Christmas is THERE to be ruined. I didn’t even realize people genuinely enjoyed it or why until much later in adulthood.
Even though I get it now, I slightly hate Christmas and barely celebrate and my kids do not care at ALL. They don’t even notice or realize how deficient is their Christmas. I think their lives are better overall that I suck in certain ways. Maybe not all ways but some.
My father, born 1916 in North Central OH, became a plasterer after high school. In '48 we moved to Dallas TX on a doctor's advice, my mom suffering from allergies.
There he sold insurance and continued, on returning to OH in '52, as an underwriter, and part time farmer until retirement in 81. Mom stayed home til my brother's and I were at least in grade school.
Oh, I loved this. Your mother and my mother would have had some tactics to share with each other, both on the perfectionism but also the dramatics and hard times. And here we are writing it all down! Have a good one, Cabot!
Your world was very different from mine, and thank you for this glimpse of it - she sounds like a fascinating human being, like a James Leo Herlihy character, actually (this is a compliment), complex and yearning 🙏🏼 💔 🎄
As someone who grew up in a hoarder household and an authoritarian, angry mother, but one whose creativity was also constantly looking for outlets, this resonated in many ways I didn't expect. And it was so fun to read. I will make sure to spread "You ruined Christmas" far and wide!
I'm glad you found something of value! That's my hope for my writing. Families are complex, and they are embedded within culture. I'm always exploring the relational dynamics to make sense of why things are the way they are, and for possible corrections and transcendent paths out of our dysfunctional, destructive recursions. Individually and collectively.
I'm new here but it feels like you're doing a great job. Bummed for the reason I came across your writing, but glad that, at least, is salvaged from the wreckage. Families are definitely complex! (I read Riane Eisler's book Nurturing Our Humanity a few years ago, and she writes a lot about how related authoritarian upbringings are to authoritarian politics leanings. I think about that all the time.)
I’ve read this about disgust and conservatism before. Pretty interesting stuff, especially when you think about how often you can accurately gauge someone’s political leanings by their lawn.
"The goal—as confirmed by the efforts of Abraham Levitt in his sweeping exercise in conformity (although it had been established well before that)—is to attain a patch of green grass of a singular type with no weeds that is attached to your home. It should be no more than an inch and a half tall, and neatly edged. This means you must be willing to care for it."
Ooh, I’ve read this before but forgotten about it! When we first bought a house I could not get over how obsessed our neighbor was with having a perfect lawn. All the seeding and mowing and aerating, … I was like what’s the point?
Then we got a fine from our village for failing to mow our lawn (fire hazard, fair enough).
In college I worked for an environmental organization going door to door, and “perfect” American lawns vs. a wildflower lawn was an almost foolproof predictor of who would sign and donate.
As the great Webb Wilder once said, "Remember, there's REAL music out there, and REAL people are making it. There's always an Econoline rolling towards a gig somewheres."
Having just buried my own mother last week, I see your fucked-up childhood and raise you a brown glass bottle of the Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (12 fluid ounces). Hang in there.
I LOVE this. What I wouldn’t give for a 1969 Econoline Van. Oh, no it’s going to go on my list of things I want that I will never get (or even try to get) like a 1972 Chevy El Camino, or a 1969 Chevy Malibu softtop (a car I actually owned believe it or not and got FOR FREE).
We were very poor when I was a child and God bless my mother but she went to TOWN on Christmas. Not with food, not so much with presents, but with Christmas decorations. It was like an obsession. Our house was amazing. She also had a terrible childhood. I think her idea of making childhood not terrible was to make things look a certain way. I love her for that. It just gets me every time I think about how hard she tried. She was also the chain smoking (and excessive alcohol imbibing) kind of mother but her heart is very good and pure.
But, for various reasons, I have horrible memories of Christmas. “You ruined Christmas!” LOL, every Christmas something terrible would happen. Ha ha ha! Christmas is THERE to be ruined. I didn’t even realize people genuinely enjoyed it or why until much later in adulthood.
Even though I get it now, I slightly hate Christmas and barely celebrate and my kids do not care at ALL. They don’t even notice or realize how deficient is their Christmas. I think their lives are better overall that I suck in certain ways. Maybe not all ways but some.
Yes! You get it! I've got a ton of stories about that van. And, yeah, I finally killed it in spectacular fashion.
Merry Christmas!
My father, born 1916 in North Central OH, became a plasterer after high school. In '48 we moved to Dallas TX on a doctor's advice, my mom suffering from allergies.
There he sold insurance and continued, on returning to OH in '52, as an underwriter, and part time farmer until retirement in 81. Mom stayed home til my brother's and I were at least in grade school.
Thanks for your story.
The Father, The Child and the Man
https://youtu.be/aeN3vPYGh6E?si=Xq0_WXYOwDlBtXnK
My father he's a good man
And he's raised his family right
I can hear his voice in mine
When I wish my girl goodnight
I know he's had his problems
Lord, I still have a few
But I've realized he's just a man
And that's all I am too
Though he's reached his autumn years
The oak's still standing tall
And I will be there with him
As the leaves begin to fall
Chorus
It seems a few short years ago
I was just a kid
And I paid great attention
To the things my father did
Now I have a family of my own
And I'm mindful how the twig is bent
The tree is surely grown
So I try with all my heart to do
The best job that I can
With the father, child and the man
My daughter has her mother's charm
A blessing in disguise
Cause old men, kids and animals
Are drawn to her like flies
She's young and smart and stubborn
Living fancy free
But there's a tougher side to teenage life
Not too hard to see
And we both have faced those conflicts
And the stark uncertainty
Between heaven and the heartbreak
And responsibility
Chorus
Yes it seems a few short years ago
I was just a boy
But that boy he's still a part of me
Playing with my toys
And this father loves his daughter
I wish her all the best
And I'll be her dad for comfort
And I'll be her dad for rest
This old man's got a ton of chores
Choices that he's made
Promises he'd best fulfill
Bills that must be paid
Chorus
It seems a few short years ago
I was just a kid
And I paid great attention
To the things my father did
Now I have a family of my own
And I'm mindful how the twig is bent
The tree is surely grown
So I try with all my heart to do
The best job that I can
With the father, child and the man
Merry Christmas. Hope I didn't ruin it.
Be well.
I'm a big lyrics guy. Thanks for sharing that.
My pleasure.
Oh, I loved this. Your mother and my mother would have had some tactics to share with each other, both on the perfectionism but also the dramatics and hard times. And here we are writing it all down! Have a good one, Cabot!
Glad it brought you joy!
But DID the lawn recover? ;) I remember that winter - in Bay Area, many magnificent bougainvilleas died due to unprecedented sustained cold. :(
I'm still alive, so yeah! 🤣
Your world was very different from mine, and thank you for this glimpse of it - she sounds like a fascinating human being, like a James Leo Herlihy character, actually (this is a compliment), complex and yearning 🙏🏼 💔 🎄
She was a force!
Truth!! I was one of the ravenous blonde squirrel-dwarves. :)
As someone who grew up in a hoarder household and an authoritarian, angry mother, but one whose creativity was also constantly looking for outlets, this resonated in many ways I didn't expect. And it was so fun to read. I will make sure to spread "You ruined Christmas" far and wide!
I'm glad you found something of value! That's my hope for my writing. Families are complex, and they are embedded within culture. I'm always exploring the relational dynamics to make sense of why things are the way they are, and for possible corrections and transcendent paths out of our dysfunctional, destructive recursions. Individually and collectively.
I'm new here but it feels like you're doing a great job. Bummed for the reason I came across your writing, but glad that, at least, is salvaged from the wreckage. Families are definitely complex! (I read Riane Eisler's book Nurturing Our Humanity a few years ago, and she writes a lot about how related authoritarian upbringings are to authoritarian politics leanings. I think about that all the time.)
And then there are those researchers suggesting that dirt is predictive.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S109051381200116X
I’ve read this about disgust and conservatism before. Pretty interesting stuff, especially when you think about how often you can accurately gauge someone’s political leanings by their lawn.
Speaking of, I happened to read this last week.
"The goal—as confirmed by the efforts of Abraham Levitt in his sweeping exercise in conformity (although it had been established well before that)—is to attain a patch of green grass of a singular type with no weeds that is attached to your home. It should be no more than an inch and a half tall, and neatly edged. This means you must be willing to care for it."
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/anthropology-in-practice/the-american-obsession-with-lawns/
Ooh, I’ve read this before but forgotten about it! When we first bought a house I could not get over how obsessed our neighbor was with having a perfect lawn. All the seeding and mowing and aerating, … I was like what’s the point?
Then we got a fine from our village for failing to mow our lawn (fire hazard, fair enough).
In college I worked for an environmental organization going door to door, and “perfect” American lawns vs. a wildflower lawn was an almost foolproof predictor of who would sign and donate.
This is magic
❤️
As the great Webb Wilder once said, "Remember, there's REAL music out there, and REAL people are making it. There's always an Econoline rolling towards a gig somewheres."
Having just buried my own mother last week, I see your fucked-up childhood and raise you a brown glass bottle of the Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (12 fluid ounces). Hang in there.
Get in the van! Sorry for your loss.