Another Christmas Story

Wishing you all the bees.

A.I., you have seduced and depraved me. MY NEW PRISON IS SHAME.

So,

I bought a technological solution to an intentional technological problem. See? The Scam is a vital organ of The Beast.

All was well and solved, even as I acknowledged it as just another infernal layer of the cursed so-called Savior. Until it wasn’t. Because of course it wasn’t. A Series of Unfortunate Technological Events made my all too recently purchased solution a brick of plastic and metal.

I called The Company. An automated message presented me with a list of choices. I made my choice and entered The Hold. To my surprise the wait was short, by eternity’s standards. A Human asked how they could help. At least it seemed like A Human. It’s becoming dangerously hard to tell now.

I gave them the details. They kindly explained that my purchase was a week out of warranty. I knew this and asked for clemency. A Human said they would need to speak to Another Human for authorization. I accepted to enter The Hold again and await judgment.

A Human returned after a tolerable time in The Hold with a Christmas Miracle: The Company would honor The Warranty. Jesus wept! A Human advised that I would be responsible for the shipping cost of the return. I did not argue.

I made a trip to the dreaded post office. The line was short. Jesus’ tears turned ugly cry. A Human took my package and motioned to The Screen for payment. The Screen was different from other Screens. Because of course it is.

I, with above-average proficiency in the bestiary of Screens, struggled to complete my payment. A Human directed me to the very obvious label maker printed instructions pasted to The Screen that read: PLACE CARD CHIP HERE.

Being an insanely seasoned veteran of cash register operation and interactions with The Public, I was awash in shame. Now I was That Guy. Jesus reminded me of his everlasting love. I showered A Human with praise for their unending patience with the dead-eyed shambling of The Public, for I know of the unspoken wishes of Death and Destruction that haunts the minds of those like A Human.

Especially during holidays.

As I bid A Human farewell, I promised to pray that they are granted entrance to Extra Heaven for their “essential” torment here on the Prime Material Plane. A Human smiled.

My portion of fulfilling the Christmas Miracle complete, I waited. Occasionally I would scry The Screen while invoking the Tracking Number spell to discern the whereabouts of The Product. It arrived safely. Praise Jesus.

I did not know how long it would take for The Company to fulfill their portion of the Christmas Miracle. The Screen could not pierce this mystery. Not wanting to jeopardize the completion of the Christmas Miracle with my meddling, I stoically waited.

A week later I was surprised to find a package outside my front door. It was Sunday morning, so that meant it had been delivered sometime Saturday, and I had been home all day Saturday. No knock, no doorbell ring, no email. I live in an apartment complex so I was both relieved that it had not been stolen, and angry that I had not been notified.

I was ready to declare another Christmas Miracle but as I bent down to pick up the package, I noticed it had been opened. Godfuckingdammit, I thought.

Jesus grabbed his whip.

AND BEHOLD! All the contents were still inside. They’d clearly been inspected by some Christmas Grinch, or perhaps a desperate Unhoused Soul, for the inner packaging had been cut open too, but for some unexplainable reason they decided nah…

AND THEN LEFT IT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR.

Jesus transformed all the apartment complex’s faucets into fountains of wine.

—FIN—

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Bonus Gift: A Winter Solstice Poem

Winter’s hinter
The cold comes
Geese away 
Shorter days
Heavenly, inevitably, comes the quiet death
Unique bits of silence
Floating, falling
Its demands hungry, frost-kissed and growing
Darker, slower, is the new owner
Its wind a thieve’s guild
Water stilled, blood chilled

Season’s order, after one comes another
Even ends begin
Again

Thanks for reading. If you’re up for another comic Christmas story, here’s one from a year ago. It’s my second most popular piece of writing to date.

Ruining Christmas